There are times when I'm really not sure what God is up to. Right now is one of those times. Earlier this week, I was walking to my car one night after a (nearly) 3 hour draft meeting for various sports leagues at my church. I started crying. It was freezing, I was tired, and a little bit emotionally drained - and all I knew to say to God was "this isn't what I wanted."
To put some context around that statement, I should back up a little bit. Last spring I joined a volleyball league at my church at the *ahem* suggestion of a friend (who shall remain nameless). I had never played volleyball before and it felt way, WAY out of my comfort zone. But it also sounded like fun, so I signed up. I wasn't fully prepared for the things that I would learn about myself - like the fact that team sports scare me for the same reason that leadership does: I'm afraid of letting people down - but I grew and found out that I love playing volleyball. I played again the season after that, and learned even more... this time about other people. Those lessons were nearly as frustrating as the ones I learned about myself. Actually, if I'm being honest, they may have been more frustrating: whereas we can choose change ourselves, we can't change others.
That brings me to this season, when my team captain from my very first season (who's now a coordinator) asked me if I would be willing to captain a team myself. I said no. Quickly, and rather definitively. And then I said that I would "think about it." Mistake #1. A week later, I said that I would be willing to do it, but only if there were "NO ONE else." Mistake #2. So there I was on draft night, picking out teammates for this season. It was a little bit of a strange experience, and by the time I was done, I was ready to say to God "this isn't what I wanted."
It isn't what I wanted because I'm afraid. I'm not a great volleyball player (even if I continue to get better). I'm also younger than most folks who play in the league. And if you've met me, you'll know that I'm not the most enthusiastic person face-to-face (even if certain family members seem to think that I could have been a cheerleader in another life). I don't feel well equipped to lead here. In other words, I'm afraid of failing. And yet... here I am. And I have no doubt that God will use me in spite of all of the things that I've mentioned. I have no doubt that it'll be a humbling experience, and a great opportunity to rely on the Holy Spirit.
Sometimes the things that we don't want are the things that God uses to show us that even though we're weak, he's strong. Sometimes the right things feel like the wrong things, and sometimes the right time feels like the wrong time.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
life today
It dawned on me that my life today looks very different than it did a few years ago. I don't listen to the same music. I don't watch the same TV shows. I don't read... as much. Here's what I do with some of my spare time these days:
Music. I have always loved music. My iPod is one of my best friends. As is Spotify, which has opened my eyes to so many artists that I had no idea existed. This is my current playlist. Two years ago, I didn't listen to The Script, The City Harmonic, Needtobreathe, Mumford & Sons, Olly Murs, Katie Herzig, Ellie Goulding, Imagine Dragons, Emeli Sande, or Beth. I'm still listening to Maroon 5, Pink, Jars of Clay, Matt Maher, any many others. But I am so appreciative of the new artists in my life as well.
As for TV, I don't think I could have predicted my current "must watch" list. It's a short list. Vampire Diaries (a new find this fall, thanks to some friends), Haven (scurry, but so good), and Psych (always a fav). Castle (love the mystery) is up there, too. I've also spent a fair amount of time watching Once Upon a Time, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, and Big Bang Theory. Plus bits and pieces of half a dozen other shows.
Blogs and photoblogs - love 'em. There are so many different perspectives out there, and I love hearing people's stories. I'm currently reading/following Good Woman Project, Jonas Peterson, Bobbi+Mike, Ampersand Photography, Lauren Nicole, and Emily is Speaking Up. And about 30 others that I check periodically. If only there were more hours in the day...
Music. I have always loved music. My iPod is one of my best friends. As is Spotify, which has opened my eyes to so many artists that I had no idea existed. This is my current playlist. Two years ago, I didn't listen to The Script, The City Harmonic, Needtobreathe, Mumford & Sons, Olly Murs, Katie Herzig, Ellie Goulding, Imagine Dragons, Emeli Sande, or Beth. I'm still listening to Maroon 5, Pink, Jars of Clay, Matt Maher, any many others. But I am so appreciative of the new artists in my life as well.
As for TV, I don't think I could have predicted my current "must watch" list. It's a short list. Vampire Diaries (a new find this fall, thanks to some friends), Haven (scurry, but so good), and Psych (always a fav). Castle (love the mystery) is up there, too. I've also spent a fair amount of time watching Once Upon a Time, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, and Big Bang Theory. Plus bits and pieces of half a dozen other shows.
Blogs and photoblogs - love 'em. There are so many different perspectives out there, and I love hearing people's stories. I'm currently reading/following Good Woman Project, Jonas Peterson, Bobbi+Mike, Ampersand Photography, Lauren Nicole, and Emily is Speaking Up. And about 30 others that I check periodically. If only there were more hours in the day...
Sunday, January 20, 2013
forgiveness
Forgiveness has been on my mind a lot lately. Mostly because of my awareness of how bad I am at it. I may have said before, but if I had to name my two biggest weaknesses, they would be jealousy and unforgiveness. They're related, for sure. But recently I've been rather convicted in my lack of willingness to forgive... quickly or completely.
My friends, wonderful creatures that they are, are not perfect. Sometimes they do and say hurtful things. Most of the time I can believe that these things are unintentional. But sometimes I can't help but feel that there's a tiny bit of intentionality behind it. In response, I be glad to hold onto the anger that comes so easily when I've been hurt. I would really like to just say: forget this, I don't need this (person, conversation, drama, emotional baggage - you name it). But if I were to follow my feelings in every conflict, every slight, every moment when something doesn't sit right... it would eventually become a very lonely road. And I think God knows that, and that's why He has such stern things to say about forgiveness (Matthew 6:14-15).
It's difficult for me, knowing how to forgive someone whom I plan on having a friendship or some form of relationship with for the rest of my life. Shouldn't I be a little more distant, so they know that that hurt and it was definitely not ok? A little wiser? A little less quick to be honest?
If I've really forgive someone, I have to believe that I would be willing love them without question. I think I would be able to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, and even if I know for a fact that I can't love another person perfectly, I think I would be ok with asking God to help me try to do better. If there's a part of me that doesn't want to do that, I have to question whether I've really forgiven them or not.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” - Lewis B. Smedes
My friends, wonderful creatures that they are, are not perfect. Sometimes they do and say hurtful things. Most of the time I can believe that these things are unintentional. But sometimes I can't help but feel that there's a tiny bit of intentionality behind it. In response, I be glad to hold onto the anger that comes so easily when I've been hurt. I would really like to just say: forget this, I don't need this (person, conversation, drama, emotional baggage - you name it). But if I were to follow my feelings in every conflict, every slight, every moment when something doesn't sit right... it would eventually become a very lonely road. And I think God knows that, and that's why He has such stern things to say about forgiveness (Matthew 6:14-15).
It's difficult for me, knowing how to forgive someone whom I plan on having a friendship or some form of relationship with for the rest of my life. Shouldn't I be a little more distant, so they know that that hurt and it was definitely not ok? A little wiser? A little less quick to be honest?
If I've really forgive someone, I have to believe that I would be willing love them without question. I think I would be able to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, and even if I know for a fact that I can't love another person perfectly, I think I would be ok with asking God to help me try to do better. If there's a part of me that doesn't want to do that, I have to question whether I've really forgiven them or not.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” - Lewis B. Smedes
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
who I am not
I think if you're going to make goals, especially about who you want to be, it's important to know where you actually are. Sometimes it's hard to just be where you are. Because if I'm honest, there are things that I don't like about where I'm at, because it's not where I could have been. I have to acknowledge that I've let some opportunities slip by. There are times when I've chosen not to grow. That's a difficult statement for me to own, but it's true.
I'm reminded that it's important to be gracious to yourself, because we are human, and that means that we're works in progress. But there's still this gap between who I am and who I know I'm supposed to be, and I want to choose to grow more. Which means that I'm going to have to be honest about why I haven't before.
I get tired. And growing just takes so much... energy. It occurs to me that God never intended for us to make ourselves perfect. If we could have done that, there would have been no reason for Jesus to come and live the perfect life that we could not, and pay the price that we could not afford ourselves. Which means that I'm not going to grow the way that I want if I'm not relying on the Holy Spirit. That seems like such an obvious concept for someone who has been a Christian for 11 years - and yet somehow it's still hard.
I get comfortable. This is kind of an extension of getting tired. I like to have things organized. I like knowing what to expect, because the unexpected might be completely exhausting and challenging. And I like being challenged, but only as long as I'm 99% sure that I can succeed. Taking risks requires faith, which is certainly something that I need to grow in. If I were more comfortable with risks, I might venture further from home. First in the states (I've always wanted to go to New York City, for some strange reason, and every now and then I have this weird notion of wanting to see L.A.), then Ireland. Maybe India, if I get very brave. And maybe, if I get really crazy, I'll listen to the small voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm not too busy to have a conversation with my neighbor, and that small acts of kindness toward strangers - even if highly awkward, uncomfortable, or dangerous - are part of the reason why we're here.
I'm afraid. Even though I am much better about this, I still struggle with caring about what other people think rather than what God thinks. What if I fail in the world's eyes, but still accomplish my life's mission? So WHAT, right? Right. But that way of thinking requires complete commitment to said mission. Which would imply that I know what the mission is. While I know it in general terms... I'm still fuzzy on the details. The problem is that it's hard to be committed to fuzzy. Which is probably why Paul says that we walk by faith and not by sight. Again, I need to grow in faith.
The two things that I do know are 1) God is in control, and 2) He knows the plans that He has for me. And because of that, I can sleep well tonight - which is a gift.
I'm reminded that it's important to be gracious to yourself, because we are human, and that means that we're works in progress. But there's still this gap between who I am and who I know I'm supposed to be, and I want to choose to grow more. Which means that I'm going to have to be honest about why I haven't before.
I get tired. And growing just takes so much... energy. It occurs to me that God never intended for us to make ourselves perfect. If we could have done that, there would have been no reason for Jesus to come and live the perfect life that we could not, and pay the price that we could not afford ourselves. Which means that I'm not going to grow the way that I want if I'm not relying on the Holy Spirit. That seems like such an obvious concept for someone who has been a Christian for 11 years - and yet somehow it's still hard.
I get comfortable. This is kind of an extension of getting tired. I like to have things organized. I like knowing what to expect, because the unexpected might be completely exhausting and challenging. And I like being challenged, but only as long as I'm 99% sure that I can succeed. Taking risks requires faith, which is certainly something that I need to grow in. If I were more comfortable with risks, I might venture further from home. First in the states (I've always wanted to go to New York City, for some strange reason, and every now and then I have this weird notion of wanting to see L.A.), then Ireland. Maybe India, if I get very brave. And maybe, if I get really crazy, I'll listen to the small voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm not too busy to have a conversation with my neighbor, and that small acts of kindness toward strangers - even if highly awkward, uncomfortable, or dangerous - are part of the reason why we're here.
I'm afraid. Even though I am much better about this, I still struggle with caring about what other people think rather than what God thinks. What if I fail in the world's eyes, but still accomplish my life's mission? So WHAT, right? Right. But that way of thinking requires complete commitment to said mission. Which would imply that I know what the mission is. While I know it in general terms... I'm still fuzzy on the details. The problem is that it's hard to be committed to fuzzy. Which is probably why Paul says that we walk by faith and not by sight. Again, I need to grow in faith.
The two things that I do know are 1) God is in control, and 2) He knows the plans that He has for me. And because of that, I can sleep well tonight - which is a gift.
Saturday, January 05, 2013
what I have left
I have a hard time letting things go. People. Friendships. Papers. Books. Music. Clothes. Ways of thinking. Wants.
What would I have left? That's the question that I have avoided asking myself for years. If I really let this person go... what would I have left? If I let the idea of this career (counseling, social work, law) go... what would I have left? If I truly gave up on the "ideal" body and "settled" for a healthy body... what would I have left?
I think I was scared that the answer would be "nothing." That I would have to start from scratch. That I would no longer know what I wanted. That I would feel more lost than I already felt. I've spent the last few years as a wanderer in my own life, trying to avoid these feelings... and by trying to avoid them, I created them.
Maybe a better question is, What would I gain by letting this go? Maybe I would be able to see the people in front of me better. Maybe I would have more emotional energy to focus on the real friends in my life. Maybe I would find that I like different music than I used to (I already know this is true). Maybe my body would thank me. Maybe I would have more time for the things that I miss (books, long talks, game night). Maybe I would find that I'm not who I thought I would be, and that's ok. Maybe I would find that I was right all along, and my calling is in counseling. I don't know. But I think I'm ready to start asking better questions.
What would I have left? That's the question that I have avoided asking myself for years. If I really let this person go... what would I have left? If I let the idea of this career (counseling, social work, law) go... what would I have left? If I truly gave up on the "ideal" body and "settled" for a healthy body... what would I have left?
I think I was scared that the answer would be "nothing." That I would have to start from scratch. That I would no longer know what I wanted. That I would feel more lost than I already felt. I've spent the last few years as a wanderer in my own life, trying to avoid these feelings... and by trying to avoid them, I created them.
Maybe a better question is, What would I gain by letting this go? Maybe I would be able to see the people in front of me better. Maybe I would have more emotional energy to focus on the real friends in my life. Maybe I would find that I like different music than I used to (I already know this is true). Maybe my body would thank me. Maybe I would have more time for the things that I miss (books, long talks, game night). Maybe I would find that I'm not who I thought I would be, and that's ok. Maybe I would find that I was right all along, and my calling is in counseling. I don't know. But I think I'm ready to start asking better questions.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
Day 3
I'm on day three of my Facebook fast. Nothing strange has happened, except that I have this very odd desire to 'update my status' - something that I was never interested in before. I want to say things like "so glad to finally be feeling better!!" or "making tacos!!" But Facebook will survive with my updates. And so will I.
I've been thinking about my resolutions, and specifically the one about loving Jesus. I was describing my two best friends from high school to another friend, and I said something like "they loved Jesus very much." It got me to thinking about what I would have said about myself at that age. Or even now. And I think I would say that I was very hesitant about loving Jesus, mainly because I was still learning about what love means, and how deep God's love is.
Guarded. That might be a good word to describe my current relational style. I know that because of how long it took me to write this sentence. Everything is filtered. And there's something to be said for not wearing your heart on your sleeve, especially when it comes to social media. But there has to be a balance. A point where you are living from an authentic place, where you are not afraid to show your true self, but still have the wisdom to keep some things to yourself. That's my goal.
I've been thinking about my resolutions, and specifically the one about loving Jesus. I was describing my two best friends from high school to another friend, and I said something like "they loved Jesus very much." It got me to thinking about what I would have said about myself at that age. Or even now. And I think I would say that I was very hesitant about loving Jesus, mainly because I was still learning about what love means, and how deep God's love is.
Guarded. That might be a good word to describe my current relational style. I know that because of how long it took me to write this sentence. Everything is filtered. And there's something to be said for not wearing your heart on your sleeve, especially when it comes to social media. But there has to be a balance. A point where you are living from an authentic place, where you are not afraid to show your true self, but still have the wisdom to keep some things to yourself. That's my goal.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
2013 Resolutions
I suppose it shouldn't come as such a surprise, but I realized today that the last post I wrote was exactly one year ago. I think I said things about 2012 being the year of "working through stuff." And that it was, more than I expected, or wanted, or asked for. I'm thankful for the hard things that happened, but also very excited about 2013. I don't expect it to be less difficult, but I do feel more ready to simply be... happy. Less stressed. Love Jesus more. Focus on people more. Rest more. Take care of my body.
As for my resolutions from last year, I'm going to put a great big check mark on these: 3 (good, but stuck with the free version), 4 (awesome), 10 (moved in 7/27/12), 11 (mostly in small ways), 13 (thank you cards count, right?), 14 (sort of), and 15 (kind of). For the next year, the resolutions are as follows:
1. Get fit. Again. Activities may include, but are not limited to: tennis, volleyball, Just Dance, Dance central, random workout routines from Pinterest, Zumba, Pilates, buying a super expensive hybrid bike (and riding it), growing my own food, becoming a fan of vegetables, and random dance fests in my room.
2. Loving Jesus more. (This really should have been first. Did I mention that these are in no particular order?) Activities may include, but are not limited to: reading my Bible, listening to sermons by Steven Furtick, attending Eastview every week, staying involved in Jr. High ministry, living in community with my small group, filling my ipod with good worship music, and giving more than I think I can.
3. Spending my time more wisely. This may mean: spending less time on Facebook (I'm taking the month of January off), spending less time on the internet in general, spending time exercising with more focus, spending more time in the Word, saying no to more social events, and generally planning better. I also need to spend a whole lot less time in front of the tube.
4. Becoming more financial secure. This means going on a spending fast so that I can double my standard student loan payment. This will hurt. But I'm also oddly excited. I may even go through the Financial Peace University course at Eastview this spring. I built a new budget in Excel today and was nearly ecstatic. Once I reach my goal for the end of this year, I'll be ready to start saving for braces/invisalign (SO excited for that to be on next year's resolution list).
5. Being me. Over this last year its become very clear that I spend far too much time trying to conform to others' expectations of me. It's time to live with more conscious effort at being the person God made me to be, not what others want me to be. That will require more quiet time, more time reading, and more willingness to be uncomfortable trying out new behaviors. I'm going for more love and truth and grace, not less.
As for my resolutions from last year, I'm going to put a great big check mark on these: 3 (good, but stuck with the free version), 4 (awesome), 10 (moved in 7/27/12), 11 (mostly in small ways), 13 (thank you cards count, right?), 14 (sort of), and 15 (kind of). For the next year, the resolutions are as follows:
1. Get fit. Again. Activities may include, but are not limited to: tennis, volleyball, Just Dance, Dance central, random workout routines from Pinterest, Zumba, Pilates, buying a super expensive hybrid bike (and riding it), growing my own food, becoming a fan of vegetables, and random dance fests in my room.
2. Loving Jesus more. (This really should have been first. Did I mention that these are in no particular order?) Activities may include, but are not limited to: reading my Bible, listening to sermons by Steven Furtick, attending Eastview every week, staying involved in Jr. High ministry, living in community with my small group, filling my ipod with good worship music, and giving more than I think I can.
3. Spending my time more wisely. This may mean: spending less time on Facebook (I'm taking the month of January off), spending less time on the internet in general, spending time exercising with more focus, spending more time in the Word, saying no to more social events, and generally planning better. I also need to spend a whole lot less time in front of the tube.
4. Becoming more financial secure. This means going on a spending fast so that I can double my standard student loan payment. This will hurt. But I'm also oddly excited. I may even go through the Financial Peace University course at Eastview this spring. I built a new budget in Excel today and was nearly ecstatic. Once I reach my goal for the end of this year, I'll be ready to start saving for braces/invisalign (SO excited for that to be on next year's resolution list).
5. Being me. Over this last year its become very clear that I spend far too much time trying to conform to others' expectations of me. It's time to live with more conscious effort at being the person God made me to be, not what others want me to be. That will require more quiet time, more time reading, and more willingness to be uncomfortable trying out new behaviors. I'm going for more love and truth and grace, not less.
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