I've been wanting to write a post about commitment for about a week now, but I've struggled with what to say. Commitment has been, among other things, a theme in my life since leaving Bryan. It dawned on me that I've never been very good with commitment. I've always thought of myself as someone who likes to "keep her options open." It was true when I was applying for colleges, whenever I had to write a paper, when I had to decide what my for-sure major would be, when I was deciding how involved I wanted to get in Mary Kay, and it has been true during several job searches. And it's true now that I'm trying to choose a career to pursue. I used to think that this was a good approach to life, but now I'm beginning to question the "keep your options open" philosophy.
In subtle ways, I use this philosophy in my relationships as well. It's not that I'm unclear about who my friends and family are - those have always been facts that I don't often have reason to question. But I do hold back parts of myself. I do hesitate to trust others with who I really am. I do have walls. I don't often commit to a relationship 100%. Why is that? I've come up with a few possible answers.
One answer is that I'm afraid of losing something terribly precious if I fully commit to a person or a career or a cause. What's that phrase... "better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"? I have a difficult time embracing that.
Another answer is that I'm afraid of making a mistake and realizing that I should have made a different choice. It's a little bit silly, isn't it? It's a real fear of course, but by this point in life you begin to realize that mistakes happen. You learn from them and grow. I think it's called wisdom. Or life experience.
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