not what I wanted

There are times when I'm really not sure what God is up to. Right now is one of those times. Earlier this week, I was walking to my car one night after a (nearly) 3 hour draft meeting for various sports leagues at my church. I started crying. It was freezing, I was tired, and a little bit emotionally drained - and all I knew to say to God was "this isn't what I wanted."

To put some context around that statement, I should back up a little bit. Last spring I joined a volleyball league at my church at the *ahem* suggestion of a friend (who shall remain nameless). I had never played volleyball before and it felt way, WAY out of my comfort zone. But it also sounded like fun, so I signed up. I wasn't fully prepared for the things that I would learn about myself - like the fact that team sports scare me for the same reason that leadership does: I'm afraid of letting people down - but I grew and found out that I love playing volleyball. I played again the season after that, and learned even more... this time about other people. Those lessons were nearly as frustrating as the ones I learned about myself. Actually, if I'm being honest, they may have been more frustrating: whereas we can choose change ourselves, we can't change others.

That brings me to this season, when my team captain from my very first season (who's now a coordinator) asked me if I would be willing to captain a team myself. I said no. Quickly, and rather definitively. And then I said that I would "think about it." Mistake #1. A week later, I said that I would be willing to do it, but only if there were "NO ONE else." Mistake #2. So there I was on draft night, picking out teammates for this season. It was a little bit of a strange experience, and by the time I was done, I was ready to say to God "this isn't what I wanted."

It isn't what I wanted because I'm afraid. I'm not a great volleyball player (even if I continue to get better). I'm also younger than most folks who play in the league. And if you've met me, you'll know that I'm not the most enthusiastic person face-to-face (even if certain family members seem to think that I could have been a  cheerleader in another life). I don't feel well equipped to lead here. In other words, I'm afraid of failing. And yet... here I am. And I have no doubt that God will use me in spite of all of the things that I've mentioned. I have no doubt that it'll be a humbling experience, and a great opportunity to rely on the Holy Spirit.

Sometimes the things that we don't want are the things that God uses to show us that even though we're weak, he's strong. Sometimes the right things feel like the wrong things, and sometimes the right time feels like the wrong time.