what I have left

I have a hard time letting things go. People. Friendships. Papers. Books. Music. Clothes. Ways of thinking. Wants.

What would I have left? That's the question that I have avoided asking myself for years. If I really let this person go... what would I have left? If I let the idea of this career (counseling, social work, law) go... what would I have left? If I truly gave up on the "ideal" body and "settled" for a healthy body... what would I have left?

I think I was scared that the answer would be "nothing." That I would have to start from scratch. That I would no longer know what I wanted. That I would feel more lost than I already felt. I've spent the last few years as a wanderer in my own life, trying to avoid these feelings... and by trying to avoid them, I created them.

Maybe a better question is, What would I gain by letting this go? Maybe I would be able to see the people in front of me better. Maybe I would have more emotional energy to focus on the real friends in my life. Maybe I would find that I like different music than I used to (I already know this is true). Maybe my body would thank me. Maybe I would have more time for the things that I miss (books, long talks, game night). Maybe I would find that I'm not who I thought I would be, and that's ok. Maybe I would find that I was right all along, and my calling is in counseling. I don't know. But I think I'm ready to start asking better questions.