who I am not

I think if you're going to make goals, especially about who you want to be, it's important to know where you actually are. Sometimes it's hard to just be where you are. Because if I'm honest, there are things that I don't like about where I'm at, because it's not where I could have been. I have to acknowledge that I've let some opportunities slip by. There are times when I've chosen not to grow. That's a difficult statement for me to own, but it's true.

I'm reminded that it's important to be gracious to yourself, because we are human, and that means that we're works in progress. But there's still this gap between who I am and who I know I'm supposed to be, and I want to choose to grow more. Which means that I'm going to have to be honest about why I haven't before.

I get tired. And growing just takes so much... energy. It occurs to me that God never intended for us to make ourselves perfect. If we could have done that, there would have been no reason for Jesus to come and live the perfect life that we could not, and pay the price that we could not afford ourselves. Which means that I'm not going to grow the way that I want if I'm not relying on the Holy Spirit. That seems like such an obvious concept for someone who has been a Christian for 11 years - and yet somehow it's still hard.

I get comfortable. This is kind of an extension of getting tired. I like to have things organized. I like knowing what to expect, because the unexpected might be completely exhausting and challenging. And I like being challenged, but only as long as I'm 99% sure that I can succeed. Taking risks requires faith, which is certainly something that I need to grow in. If I were more comfortable with risks, I might venture further from home. First in the states (I've always wanted to go to New York City, for some strange reason, and every now and then I have this weird notion of wanting to see L.A.), then Ireland. Maybe India, if I get very brave. And maybe, if I get really crazy, I'll listen to the small voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm not too busy to have a conversation with my neighbor, and that small acts of kindness toward strangers - even if highly awkward, uncomfortable, or dangerous - are part of the reason why we're here.

I'm afraid. Even though I am much better about this, I still struggle with caring about what other people think rather than what God thinks. What if I fail in the world's eyes, but still accomplish my life's mission? So WHAT, right? Right. But that way of thinking requires complete commitment to said mission. Which would imply that I know what the mission is. While I know it in general terms... I'm still fuzzy on the details. The problem is that it's hard to be committed to fuzzy. Which is probably why Paul says that we walk by faith and not by sight. Again, I need to grow in faith.

The two things that I do know are 1) God is in control, and 2) He knows the plans that He has for me. And because of that, I can sleep well tonight - which is a gift.